Owning a holiday home abroad is the ultimate dream for many. It’s why so many people watch A Place In The Sun and countless other similar shows.

But it’s not all plain sailing owning a holiday home. It’s not all alfresco lunches and delightfully cheap chilled local wine. There are problems aplenty with owning a holiday home. Flies in the ointment, you could say.

Holiday Home Problem #1: Beasts the size of your fist

Ok, I might be exaggerating. Maybe beasts the size of a small child’s fist. But big big beasts, at the very least.

Perhaps it’s the sunshine. Perhaps it’s the wholesome local food. Perhaps it’s the delightfully cheap local wine. Whatever it is, they sure grow their minibeasts big in Italy.

It has to be said that I’m not a big fan of minibeasts. I don’t like wasps. I don’t like flies. I don’t like beetles. I don’t like moths. Hell, I don’t even like butterflies or ladybirds.

So, each time we stay at our holiday home in Italy, I am on high alert. My head spins around at the slightest buzz or flutter. In short, I am a nervous wreck.

In my battle with nature, I have filled plastic milk bottles with jam and water and hung them from our fruit trees. It has to be say that it’s not a great look. And I’m not even sure that it really fixes the problem.

I have nearly choked myself on the fumes from beast-killing insect spray. Now, Italian insect spray needs to be seen to be believed. Imagine a foam mousse. Imagine a flame thrower. Now imagine a can which expels a foam mousse with all the ferocity of a flame thrower. Yep, that’s it. You got it.

And so have I. Or I did.

…until I blasted the f**k out of some very very large, fast-moving Italian minibeasts.

Now I just have some very large mounds of noxious-smelling foam. And lots of dead beasts under them.

…and a sore throat and watery eyes.

And yet it doesn’t solve the problem.

…the beasts keep coming.

Holiday Home Problem #2: Real proper foreign weather

I can sense you’re wondering how on earth weather can be a problem with a holiday home in Italy.

So let me explain.

Our holiday house is in the mountains in northern Italy. And with mountains come clouds. And with clouds come rain.

And boy but do they know how to make big old rain in the Italian mountains!

When it rains, we have rivers running past the house and down our steep, mountainous garden.

It has to be said that it barely rains in the summer. But, off-season, I have my eyes peeled for rainclouds.

I check the local weather at least 3 times a day.

And the weather at the local beaches.

Because, the good news here is that we can often avoid the rain. Dressed in our shorts and t-shirts, we can abandon the clouds in our mountain village and head for the beach.

Problem solved!

Holiday Home Problem # 3: Puffa jackets and scarves in all weathers

Now, we really know how to turn heads here in Italy. And not always in a good way.

In our desperate attempts to escape to the sun, we commit a grave sin. A sin to both sartorial elegance and health.

We head off in shorts and t-shirts to the beach.

….when it’s not summertime.

As soon as the mercury hits 22 degrees, we are creamed up and dressed for high summer.

..and then we reach the beach to find puffa jacket clad Italians looking askance at us.

I’m not sure if Italians have Social Services. I can only presume not as otherwise they would have made an emergency dash to us. To whisk away our woefully under-dressed children.

…only 22 degrees, yet no jumper or jacket! Hell, not even a scarf! What if the wind blows? The kids will catch a cold. (In Italy, it seems that colds are caused by exposure to inclement weather and draughts. Not by viruses).

Holiday Home Problem #4: That delightfully cheap local wine

Now this is a problem. A big problem for owners of holiday homes in Italy.

If you’re at home, you probably don’t drink every day. Because you have work and life and money to consider.

But, hey, when you’re on holiday, everyday is a weekend.

And the delightfully cheap local wine costs 5 euro a bottle.

…actually that’s the posh stuff. The vino sfuso is less than 2 euro a litre.

Just take a bottle to the local bar or shop and fill up from the enormous stainless steel vats of local wine.

…how can you say no to that?!

Holiday Home Problem #5: And then it’s all over

But there’s an even bigger problem. Bigger than the minibeasts. Bigger than the rainstorms. Even bigger than the enormous vats of vino sfuso.

You can get used to checking the weather forecast. You can get used (maybe) to the giant minibeasts. Perhaps helped by the huge quantities of delightfully cheap local wine.

But the biggest problem?

The one that’s hardest to get used to?

It’s knowing that, just as you get used to the beasts, it’s time to pack up and head home again.

Time to check how many days until our next visit, make a countdown chart and lock up.

..until the next holiday.

Alla prossima volta, Italia!

(If you’d like to read why we bought a holiday home in Italy, click here)

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