As an older first time mum-to-be living in London, I did what lots of my peers did. Just before my first baby was born, I realised I knew bugger all about babies and signed up for NCT classes.

For those who don’t know, these are essentially ‘how to have a baby’ classes. And they’re designed to tell you all about the childbirth process, breastfeeding and the early days of your baby. And to part slightly clueless mums-to-be from their cash. ….mums-to-be like me. But, thinking back now, they didn’t cover everything. There’s lots that I wish I had known about having a baby.

1 The Birth Plan

There was a lot of time devoted to The Birth Plan. What music were you going to have playing? Any scented candles? What breathing techniques?

Don’t bother about this. No, really. It’s an utter waste of time and paper.

Classical music to soothe you? Thumping house tunes to keep your energy levels up? Dipthyque, Neom or White Company candles to waft a soothing fragrance around the room?

When push comes to shove (pardon the pun), that baby of yours will choose which way it’s going to squeeeeeeeze out. Or be ripped out.

And you are not going to give a damn what music or fragrances you have around you. You probably won’t even notice them.

Childbirth really isn’t something you can plan.

So, don’t bother your arse, or any other cavities, with a Birth Plan. Just put your feet up, watch some telly and wing it.

2 The Hospital Bag

Another utter waste of time. I spent hours thinking about all the things I’d need: books, snacks, magazines etc. I even bought a Suduko book so I could learn how to do it.

And did I use it? Did I use any if it?

No.

It was just yet another thing to carry home. And to juggle with a very heavy car seat, complete with very tiny, and very squealy, infant.

And the Suduko book?

Nope. Didn’t even look at it. Kept it for 6 years and then threw it away. Unused.

And I still don’t know how to do Suduko.

…perhaps I’ll put it on my Thing to Learn Wish list for when the kids leave home.

So, just throw a few clothes for yourself and the baby in a bag. Maybe a chocolate bar too. Add in a washbag and some money for more chocolate bars and you’re ready for action!

3 The Golden Thread

One of my favourite bonkers bits of NCT classes was The Golden Thread. Essentially, I was going to harnass the power of my mind, and positive thinking, and imagine a thread.

A golden thread.

A golden thread which I would breathe slowly out of my mouth until it touched the opposite wall. Then slowly breathe it in again.

And repeat until, almost without realising, my baby would have gracefully, and elegantly, slipped out.

….and that, of course, is a far cry from what really happened.

My imaginary Golden Thread stayed packed away in my equally useless Hospital Bag.

And instead out came the drugs/forceps/sink plunger thing/C-section.

4 Pain Relief

My NCT buddies and I talked a lot about pain relief before The Big Event. The general consensus was that we weren’t going to have any.

Harnassing the power of our mind, and breathing out the Golden Thread, was going to be enough for us, thank you very much.

No drugs for us. Just say no. Like Zammo should have. (For those too young to understand this, click here).

No, I was going to pop a couple of Nurofen at the very most. And breathe through the discomfort of childbirth.

…that was before it all started.

I wish I’d known that having a baby is sore. Really flipping sore.

..and how good gas and air is.

And, let’s face it, if you have a headache, you pop a pill. Right?

And nobody’s going to give you a prize, not even a Princess sticker, if you get through it without pain relief.

So, do yourself a favour, pre-book a couple of canisters of gas and air. And make a night out of it!

…it might be the last night out you get for a while!

5 The Hot Cup of Tea

Why did they not tell us in NCT to really enjoy our cups of tea? Specifically our hot cups of tea.

I wish I’d known that it would be years until I rediscovered the joys of drinking tea hot.

….and nuking a lukewarm brew in the microwave several times does not count. I mean the joys of drinking a hot fresh brew.

Were you fully prepared for Childbirth when it happened? 

What do you wish you’d know before you had your first baby? Please let us know in the Comments.

 

(Want to know a bit more about The Empty Nest Family? Click here to read about SEX and here to read about LIES).