Empty Nest Mummy

Sadly now out of the Really Small Baby and Dumpy Little Toddler World, I was thinking this morning of the things I miss as they have grown up. Of course, I should say (for many reasons, least of which they can both read now and know my passcode to get into my phone), that them growing up is bringing us new delights and experiences on a daily basis. But I do still miss these things ……

1 – The Pushchair:

Man, but I loved my pushchair. If you have chosen your wheels well, you are now the proud owner of an awesome multi-purpose vehicle. Trips to the supermarket are never going to be as good as this again. Savour it. Relish it. Enjoy it.

Ready to leave the house for your supermarket trip? You’ll need a lot of gear with you, so let’s pack up. Nappies, change of clothes, another change of clothes, milk equipment (or boobies, whichever floats your boat, or your buggy), a selection of toys and distractions, a couple of board books, a parcel of baby-grew-out-of-them-before-you-even-opened-the-parcel clothes to return at the Post Office on the way, some rice cakes, a pouch of fruity baby slop and a partridge in a pear tree. Now, unless you regularly used to drag a donkey around town behind you pre-kids (and, hey, maybe you did, I’m not judging), this is the best load-bearing capacity you will ever have in your life. I repeat: the best. Again, I urge you to savour, relish and enjoy it.

But after you’ve sorted out stuff for the baby, you’ll still have plenty more space. It might get cold? Shove a cardie under the buggy. It might rain? Shove a brolly under the buggy. The sun might shine? Shove some suncream under the buggy. You might get hungry? Shove a picnic under the buggy. The planets might align and the infant might fall asleep while you’re having a coffee? Unlikely, but shove a magazine under the buggy.

All packed up? Ready to go? Now let’s see how quickly you can get to the supermarket. On a good buggy day, you can outpace Mo Farrah. No, seriously. Anyone seeing you coming will clear a path. You will literally cut through the crowds like a hot knife through jelly – partly because what kind of loser doesn’t move aside for a buggy, and partly because nobody wants to be mown down by a buggy. And especially not the buggy of a sleep-deprived, overtired mum of a small child.

Now, all packed up and sorted for every eventuality, you’ve got to the supermarket in record quick time and you still have space for your groceries ….. especially if you have a few of those buggy hangers velcroed onto your handle.

2 – The Babywipes:

Where to start with my love of babywipes? I guess that the name says it all: these are meant for wiping babies. But they are much more than that. So very much more than that. Babywipes can do hands, faces, front bottoms, back bottoms and willies. And of course, snot, sick and slobber. But that’s not the end of uses for these little rectangles of wonder. Got a sticky face? Grab a wipe. Feeling like you forgot to put deoderant on again in your rush to overload the buggy and get out of the house? Grab a wipe.  Slobbered a bit of food down yourself? Grab a wipe. A little over-eager with the pouring at Wine O’Clock? Grab a wipe. Hell, a friend of a friend of a friend, who it has to be said is a little slovenly on the housekeeping front, even gives her worktops a quick dust-down with a wipe. Or just the really dirty bits that she can reach without much effort.

Now, with my slightly-bigger infants at school all day, and no buggy to ferry things around, I never have babywipes. Oh, Babywipes, I miss you so….

3 – The Attention:

I’m hiding this one away in the middle as I know it’s a little needy. Or even a lot needy.

When you have a baby, or a cute little toddler, everyone talks to you. It’s like having a dog. But without the stinky dog hair and the dog farts.

Trotting down the road with a little one, buggy packed to the hilt with half the house and packs of babywipes, stopping at every hole in the road, you’ll catch the attention of everyone. Other mummies, old ladies, builders, you name it, they’ll all stop to admire your chubby, bright-eyed little infant. Even if they are covered in snot.

With a small infant in tow, everyone wants to talk to you. To be your best friend.

Let’s face it, dear readers, all this attention is the closest most of us will ever get to celebrity. And I liked it. I liked it a lot.

So, dear readers, savour it, relish it and enjoy it.

4 – The Nosey Questions:

Ever wanted to know why they’re digging a hole in the road? Ever wanted to know what your neighbour’s builders are up to? Ever wanted to have a sticky beak in a window to check out the Xmas decorations? Never a problem to do any of those when you have a small child in tow. Particularly with new toddlers, progress is so blinking slow that you’ll have plenty of time to assess the hole/the building work/the Xmas decorations as you fairy-step it along the road. And, if you really want to take it further, you now have a Free Pass to ask nosey questions. “Do you want to ask the man what the hole’s for?”. “Do you want to see what the extension looks like?”. “Do you want Mummy to pick you up so you can have a good old beak at the Christmas decorations?”.

At one stage, I had a near-encyclopedic knowledge of local holes/extensions and Xmas decorations. Since, the kids grew up and went to primary school, I know nothing. The glory days are over.

5 – The Food Crusts:

Oh, babies and small infants are so very messy, aren’t they? They’re always dropping, spilling and slopping. If it’s not food, it’s spit and bogeys. But, let’s be honest here, sometimes mummies spill things too. A few drops of coffee, a bit of yoghurt, maybe even a drop or two of wine in your eagerness to get it down your gullet as the clock chimes Wine O’Clock.

But here’s where you’ll really get some payback from having a small infant. Spilled something? Blame the kid. Nobody will be surprised to see a Mummy with a few slops and crusts. In fact, everyone expects the Mummy of a small infant to have some slops and crusts on their top.  Got some dried on slops and food crusts on your top? Wear them like a badge of honour while you can. You’ll never get away with that look once your kids go to school.

So, dear Mummies of small infants. Appreciate what you have now.

Savour, relish and enjoy those small infants, and all the handy benefits they bring!