I’m sure you’re familiar with the whole Room 101 concept. If not, where the hell have you been hiding out?

Essentially the Room 101 thing is just an excuse for a rant. A rant about things you hate. Things you would happily consign to oblivion. To Room 101. And now it’s my turn. The turn of The Empty Nest Mummy on things I hate.

But first, the rules: I think that, on the TV show, they have 3 things to consign to Room 101. Three pet hates. Easy enough, eh?

Yeah, you’d think so. But I started my list and got a bit carried away.

I thought I was quite laid-back, easy-going. Maybe not?

Hey, you be the judge……

Duplicitous Creatures

Top on my list of things I hate is creatures pretending to be something they’re not. (Although, it has to be said, I am not massively fond of many creatures)

Especially butterflies.

They fly in your face, might get tangled in your hair, but most people seem like them.

Why? Because they’re ‘pretty’.

But if you took off their pretty dress, what would you have?

A moth.

A moth in a pretty frock.

I have similar feelings about ladybirds, who are similarly duplicitous.

You’d have no time for a skanky little flying insect that splits its back in two to make wings, would you?

But pop her in a pretty red shiny polka dot dress and she’s suddenly cute?

Behave!

She’s still a skanky little flying insect that splits its back in two to make wings. And have you ever seen that nasty yellow wee wee stuff they squirt out?

Yuck!

I hate these things and will happily boot them into Room 101. With or without their ‘pretty’ frocks.

Upward Inflection

Now, this is making me twitch even as I write it.

I can’t bear that awful upward inflection at the end of every sentence.

Unless it’s a question, there’s no need for it.

It’s just about forgiveable if you’re Australian.

But not just because you grew up on a diet of Home & Away and Neighbours.

So, before you speak, consider this: Is it a question or a statement? Upward inflect for the former, keep it flat for the latter.

Got it?

Flip Flops

Now, I don’t mean that flip flops are things that I hate. Not flip flops in general.

It’s flip flops in winter that get my goat.

But, before we consign inappropriate flip flop usage into Room 101, let’s take a look at some facts.

The average UK high temperature December to February is 9 degrees Celsius.

And the low is 5 degrees Celsius.

Still think flip flops might be suitable attire?

But the thing that really winds me up is what these inappropriate flip-floppers team with their footwear.

Long-sleeved top, Puffa gilet, a scarf and …… flip flops.

So, listen up, my inappropriately attired friends. If you feel the need for a Puffa gilet and a scarf, do you really think flip flops are the way forward?

Put some socks on, warm up your blood and let it get to your brain.

….and get some sensible winter shoes or boots on.

PaninI

In Italian, a sandwich is a panino.

..with an O at the end.

Io mangio un panino.

The plural is panini.

..with an I at the end.

Lei mangia tre panini.

But, somehow, this has got lost in translation in the English-speaking world.

On a recent flight back from Italy, I ordered a mozzarella and tomato panino. (Note the O)

The air stewardess affected a smile, and repeated back

‘a mozzarella and tomato panini?‘.

“Yes please. One mozzarella and tomato paninO“.

Air steward now grimaces and speaks slowly and clearly, as if for a foreigner,

“Yes. A mozzarella and tomato paninI“.

Aaarrgggghhh.

…and it wasn’t even a very nice paninOOOOOOOOOOO

Cats’ bum-bums

We don’t have a cat. (Or a dog, actually)

And it’s not because I don’t want a pet, or have allergies.

I don’t have a cat because I hate their arrogance.

More specifically, I hate the arrogant way they shove their bum right in your face.

Picture the scene.

You’re sitting on the sofa, minding your own business, about to eat a mozzarella and tomato paninO.

And along comes your cat, who normally pays you no attention.

But, open up your mouth to bite into your sandwich and up sashays the cat, shoving its bum in your face.

And it’s not even that it’s a discreet little bum. No, cats have their tails up and a big old cornholeo bum bum. Which they are more than happy to put right by your mouth.

So, vulgar cats, be gone with you and your vulgar bumholes.

…be gone to Room 101. I hate you.

Crocs

I don’t mind Crocs in general. In fact, my kids have them.

I even think they’re quite cute in small sizes and in jazzy colours. With toddlers wobbling around in them.

But, here’s the rub. Size matters.

…or age.

I really hate seeing grown-ups in Crocs.

I don’t care if they’re comfy. Or cheer you up.

There are shoes a-plenty out there that are comfy. And bright coloured. And, listen up, here’s the important bit..

….that don’t make you look like an oversized child.

So, forget the Crocs and take a look at these Samphire sandals instead. Comfy, cheery and machine washable.

Gravy

OK, I get it. Some people cook really badly. It’s dreadful to look at, it’s dry and chewy.

…so you want to hide it.

…and give yourself some chance of being able to eat it.

So out comes the gravy.

A thick, gelatinous and often lumpy semi-liquid cover-all for shit food.

But, I have a better idea.

Feck your dry, chewy, badly cooked food into the bin.

And either learn to cook properly, or stick to the takeaways.

There’s. No. Need. For. Gravy.

(Now, if you really want to see a proper rant about gravy, follow @DaddyPoppinsBlg on Twitter. He has a lot to say on the subject).

And off to bed….

Rant over.

All this thinking about Things I Hate has given me a headache…….

…..I’m off to bed for a little lie down.

(What winds you up? Gets your goat? What would you send to Room 101? Join in the debate in the Leave a Reply section at the bottom of the page)

A big thank you to #thesat sesh for choosing me as one of their Featured Blog Posts for this Room 101 Rant.

I’ve also linked up to the following blogging linkies…….