Dear Duchess
I do hope you don’t mind my calling you that: I’m not really sure of the proper etiquette as I am not from noble heritage. Nor anywhere near it, I’m sad to say.
But, whilst I don’t know much about etiquette, I do know quite a bit about schools and nurseries. In fact, I consider myself something of an expert on the subject now. Now well into my third year of being mum of a schoolchild, I am now an old-hand (as well as being generally a bit old), and am delighted to offer you some insider advice and top tips to make your first year as school-mum a bit easier.
They Always Come Out Dirty: It doesn’t matter how clean you managed to scrub them before you dropped them in the morning, or how many changes of clothes you send in with them, they will always come out looking like they have been playing in the trenches. And they may well have ……not that you’ll ever find out.
They Do Nothing …. All Day: You’ll never know if they have been playing in the trenches, or actually if they have been doing anything at all. It’s a universally acknowledged fact that kids do nothing at nursery or reception all day. I believe that they just sit and face the wall from the moment you leave until around 30 seconds before the parents arrive to pick them up. It must be so. When Big Boy was in Reception, I asked each day: ‘what did you do today?’, and he answered, without fail, for an entire academic year ‘…..nothing’. (Oddly, this nothing somehow got him covered in mud, scrapes, bruises, bits of twigs and leaves. Magic, eh?)
They Will Come Home Wearing Less Each Day: I imagine that, at the beginning of term, you and Wills diligently and painstakingly sewed cute little labels into every item of clothing, socks included. I imagine that you thought this would keep their items safe. Not so, lady, not so. Despite sitting facing a wall all day doing ‘nothing’, your child will manage to lose at least one item of clothing each day. But don’t worry, it’s entirely normal, they all do it. So I suggest you go to Pickup wearing loose sleeves so that you can push them up and go hunting about in the Lost Property Box; have a good rummage about in the sweaty PE kit and you might just get lucky.
And, speaking of getting lucky….
Objects of Beauty: I’m not sure what the situation with recycling is at Kensington Palace, but you might need to check, and perhaps get some extra recycling bags on order. Despite doing ‘nothing’ all day long, your infants will come out overloaded each day with things of great beauty. Often, but not always, these will be ‘crafted’ using empty plastic bottles, cardboard boxes, pipecleaners and enough gaffer tape to stretch out to the moon and back five times over. You will often, actually always, have no idea what on earth these creations are supposed to be, but don’t say so ….. dear Lord above, don’t say so. Best to ask something along the lines of ‘….mmmmm, that looks super, talk me through what you’ve made here’.
Germ Magnet: Dear Duchess, you look like you run a very clean and hygienic household, have the children drinking kale and berry smoothies each morning and never, ever forget to give them their daily multivitamins. I am sorry to say though that this means nothing now that they are both in education. Every single disease and ailment that you have ever heard of, and likely a few that you haven’t, are winging their way to you at Kensington Palace right now. Nurseries and reception classes are rancid petri-dishes teeming full of bugs and it’s unlikely you will get through a week now without at least one snotty nose or one runny bottom, and most likely both. It matters not what precautions you take; your children are now officially Germ Magnets.
The Big Food Lie: When the children first started at school and nursery, you probably filled in a form with what their favourite nursery rhyme is, their favourite game and what food they like and don’t like. And you probably lovingly filled it out, noting that they won’t eat cauliflower, don’t like sandwiches unless the crusts are cut off and never, ever eat any food with a sauce. But what you probably won’t have realised is that, the minute your back is turned, the Big Food Lie begins. Your infants, fussy and a little picky at home, will scoff anything that they can get their hands on at nursery; these little creatures who hate cauliflower and anything with a sauce will be found face-down in a bowl of Cauliflower Cheese before you know it.
On the subject of food, the most important piece of advice ….
Never Ever Ever Forget A Snack At Pickup: It doesn’t matter how much they love you, and I’m sure they do, but this will turn sour very, very quickly if you don’t come armed with a snack. Irrespective of how many minutes it is since they last ate, or how many bowls of sloppy overcooked Cauliflower Cheese they devoured at lunchtime, they will be ravenous by the end of the day. That sweet, and sparkling clean, little child that you dropped off in the morning will come tearing out of nursery, scowling and snarling like an angry wolf-cub. The only way to tame it, and this must be done with great haste, is with food, and plenty of it. Your safety is not assured without it.
I’m sure that George will come home mysteriously bruised and dirty each day, wearing only part of his original outfit. But don’t worry, I am equally sure that, despite doing nothing all day, he will have a wonderful first year at school. And, if he learns nothing else this year, it will be that sloppy overcooked food is not nearly as bad as he thought!
Your loyal subject
Martina
