With my new-found time freedom, a distinct lack of hobbies and a desire to uncover the Secrets of the Internet, I’ve been reading a lot of blogs. As I have 0 hobbies, 0 imagination and 2 children, I’ve generally been reading a lot of mummy blogs.
Now a couple of weeks in, and I know more about snot, shit and sleeping (or lack thereof) than ever before. (And I have to say that I had considered myself something of an expert on these already)
A lot of what I have read about children has been really negative. Yes, they are energy-sapping, attention-seeking, filth-creating, noisy little bags of snot. I don’t disagree. But they are also so, so much more than that.
But what if all the would-be parents of the world just read about the snot, shit and lack of sleep? They’d choose not to bother. Maintain a nice, clean and clutter-free life. Go out where and when they wanted. And where would the rest of us be then?
Well, fast-forward 25 years and there’d be no workforce to pay for my retirement – that’s where!
So, with my own retirement plans front of mind, here’s 5 Reasons You Should Have a Small Child:
- Mummy gets to make the rules. All of them. Now, don’t underestimate this one. If you get to make all the rules, you get to be right all of the time. Good? No, that’s great! And, should any of the wee ones decide to do something other than what mummy said, they’ll invariably fuck it up. And that, dear readers, allows you to have what a friend of mine calls A Delicious I-Told-You-So Moment. I am pretty sure that she spends her days just waiting for the kids to do something that she expressly told them not to do, just so she can sit back and enjoy one of these delicious moments. It’s what motivates mums all over the world to get out of bed each morning and get, well, mumming.
- Mummy gets to pretend she used to be clever. You can pretend that you were top of the tree, close to a genius, before you had kids. Then you get to blame Baby Brain, then Lack of Sleep, then just general old Out-of-Practice Brain. The reality, of course, is that you were probably only of pretty mediocre intelligence (at best) before you had kids; perhaps you would never have amounted to much. But it doesn’t matter, because how will anyone ever find out? You’re only going to hang out with parents of other small kids now, so you can paint your glorious past whatever shade of gold you want.
- Mummy gets a little ‘pet’ to stroke and cuddle without getting hair all over the sofa. (We’ll gloss over this point a little as you will of course get snot, wee, glitter, buttery fingers and perhaps a little bit of ‘maybe-it’s-chocolate-oh-no-it’s-poo’ all over your light-coloured fancy-Dan and terribly expensive sofa)
- Mummy gets to the The Best at, well, Everything. When the kids are little, you are the sun, the moon and the stars. I am currently the World’s Best Mum, World’s Best Cook, World’s Best Storyteller, World’s Best Crafter, World’s Funniest Mummy and World’s Best At Giving Cuddles. I was also, briefly, top of Big Boy’s Best Footballers of All-time list despite a lack of ability, experience or desire to kick a ball. It must be said that commonsense prevailed and I was taken off the list when I wasn’t looking. (And that’s why you should always make lists in pencil).
- Mummy has the perfect excuse for being late, being scruffy, being tired and generally looking like a dog’s dinner. If you didn’t have kids, this would simply be chalked up as being lazy, or slovenly or letting yourself go. But add a child to the mix and, hey presto!, you’re just Mum …. the Best Mum In The World.
So, Future Mums, don’t listen to the nay-sayers. Get on and do it. Have a Small Child.
(If you are looking to add a touch of World-Class to a Corporate Event or Social Do, please note that I am available as a Guest Speaker. Well, just Monday to Friday, 9 to 3.30, term-time only. Please note that Terms & Conditions apply and I am not nearly as cheap as I look. And I will turn up having made zero effort, sporting a Disney Princess sticker or two and a little bit of dried-on maybe-it’s-chocolate-oh-no-it’s-poo: The Mummy of A Small Child Look.)
