With Easter coming up, it feels like time to bare my soul. To confess my sins and ask for absolution.

For me as a mum, this means acknowledging the lies I tell my small kids. And asking for you, my readers, to forgive me.

“Daddy’s Wine”

My oldest child started talking quite early. And quite coherently. And quite loudly.

….which, of course, was fine. Lovely, even.

…but not so much at 11am in the supermarket when pointing out “wine! wine! wine!”.

So, I took the executive decision to re-brand wine as “Daddy’s wine”. And thus it has remained ever since.

But one day, and I know that day draws ever nearer, they’ll know that Mummy often drinks it.

…really often.

The Man With The Key

Specifically, the man with the key who comes to lock up the park.

Every parent knows that it’s a pain in the arse taking kids to the playground. Before you’ve even got there, you need to think about how the hell you’ll get out of there at ‘home-time’.

Will it be a bribe? A threat? Or a physical manhandling of the infant out of the playground?

You don’t need any of that if you use The Man With The Key.

One day, again when the oldest was little, I told him that we had to leave as The Man With The Key was coming to lock up the playground.

He stopped, paused, nodded and off we went.

….. job done.

Sweets

Everybody knows sweets are bad for you. Or, at the very least, that they’re not good for you.

But they taste real good.

And they look so pretty.

And those bastards in the shops put them at kids’ eye-level as bait.

So, how does a mum stop small kids wanting them?

As the shopkeeper intended, my oldest kid was drawn to the sweets in their brightly-coloured shiny packaging when he was a toddler.

He pointed his chubby little finger at the cavity-causing, sugary Devil’s temptations and asked if he could have them. All the while batting his big puppy-dog eyes at me.

…So I told him that he doesn’t like sweets.

He stopped, he paused, he nodded. And off we went.

Again, job done.

Quinoa

I’m sure there can’t be many small kids who actively choose to eat quinoa. And my kids are no different.

Well, they were no different. Until I introduced yet another one to my list of lies.

As regular readers will know, Big Boy is a big football fan. A really big football fan. In fact, he is obsessed by football.

So I told him that I had read that Jurgen Klopp feeds the LIverpool team Quinoa. Why? Because it is packed full of every amino acid and contains more protein than any other grain or seed. So it makes them strong. And fast.

He stopped, he paused and he nodded. And wolfed down the Curly Kale & Quinoa Salad I’d made for tea.

Bad Words

“Mummy, do you ever say bad words?”

“Oh, good gracious, no!”.

Yet another addition to the lies of Potty-Mouth Mummy.

Bedrooms At Night

I love my kids desperately. And adore spending time with them.

But, I also really really love ‘grown-up time’. So I can drink “Daddy’s Wine” and cuss with impunity.

And kids leaving their rooms and coming to find me after bedtime just doesn’t fit in with that.

So I told them that small kids don’t leave their rooms at night. Not nice kids. Not good kids like them. (Apart from to go to the toilet. Then straight back to bed.)

And so it is that neither Big Boy nor Littlest Angel come downstairs to find me after bedtime.

…. leaving me downstairs guzzling ‘Daddy’s wine’ and cussing like a navvy.

(Of course, the downside to this is that they will be the oldest kids in Christendom to still have a baby monitor in their rooms. But I think that’s a small price to pay for ‘grown-up time’.)

Smoking & Other Bad Habits

In a time, long long ago, there lived an angelic boy and girl. Who just did angelic nice things. And then had kids.

…is not how the story of Empty Nest Mummy & Daddy goes.

But we have been asked by our small kids about smoking. Firstly, what is it? Then, why is it bad for you? Then, why do people do it?

All, of course, very valid and sensible questions. And easy to answer.

But then, Big Boy asked if we smoked. Or had ever smoked.

I could have told the truth. Yes, mummy used to smoke when she was trying to look cool. And older. And trying to impress boys.

But, of course, this mum chose to lie to her small kids, yet again.

Oh, no, Mummy and Daddy have never done that awful thing. Filthy habit.

And I am pretty sure that the same lies will come out again to questions about other bad things.

Chilli

“It seems a bit spicy. Is there chilli in it?”

“No. There’s no chilli in there at all”.

Another on the list of bare-faced lies a mum tells her small child.

(Please forgive me: I just want them to eat proper curries one day. To not be fussy eaters. And we have to start somewhere).

Ballerina

“Can I be a ballerina when I grow up?”

“Of course”.

This falls into the lie category as she doesn’t go to ballet classes.

And I am pretty sure she can’t be a self-taught world-class ballerina.

Daytime

My small kids have had gro-clocks for as long as I can remember.

And they are amazing.

(Both the kids and the gro-clocks).

So, ‘daytime’ is set as 7am. And we have not a peep until 7am.

Because that is when mum says daytime starts.

…. And not before.

Forgive me, Readers, for I have sinned.

But I have done it, for the most part, with good motivations.

And I know that, one day, my chickens will come home to roost. One day, the kids will be up late enough to witness me effing and blinding, glass of wine in hand.

But, for now, I fully intend to carry on lying. The kids are only 6 and 4. I reckon I can get another couple of years out of it.

So, please do forgive me, but ….sssshhhhh….. do it quietly. I don’t want my small kids to hear.

Are you a mum who lies to her small kids? When are you planning to ‘fess up? Please let me know in the Comments.